Not loving here means not seeing the good, the humanity, the sincere goodness in a person despite his flaws and mistakes. It begets conditional love, criticism, and even persecution.
It’s axiomatic of the human experience that one cannot see in others what one doesn’t first see in himself. Hence, if your relationship with self involves a lot of recrimination, don’t be in a relationship with me.
But the Talmud says, “A person never errs unless a spirit of insanity enters him.” We’re endowed with a healthy and wise essence; sometimes (reliably) insane thoughts pop in.
Rabbi Weinberg also used to advise his students to form a “Sane Society” with others where membership is predicated on knowing that you’re prone to insanity.
Here are a couple of thoughts that I find encouraging.
First, we’re in a time of year now where there’s a special opportunity to learn about love and forgiveness, about the health in ourselves and others. Trust that even humble efforts to look for this wisdom will bear fruit. Trust that even the desire to look for it is ennobling, even if it doesn’t bring immediate fruits.
Second, some of my warmest and nicest memories include finding forgiveness. Surrender to the fact that forgiveness feels amazing. Look for it; want it.
PS - Stay tuned for "Health in Relationships," a 4-part webinar featuring Rabbi Shaul and Chana Rosenblatt of London starting at a date TBA after the holidays.